My child is a "chameleon"!
What to do if at home the child is capricious and domineering, and among friends uncertain and fearful? The situation is commented on by a child therapist, family consultant Madeleine Sanchuk.
What to do if at home the child is capricious and domineering, and among friends uncertain and fearful? A children's psychotherapist, family consultant Madeleine Sanchuk will help you figure it out.
“My son Roman is six years old. The first two years of his life he was ill a lot. Maybe that’s why the boy is growing impressionable and nervous. Watching his games with peers, I see that Roma does not know how to repulse the offender, stewing and hiding in the corner when the children take his toy from him. But in the home circle, Roma is very demanding, domineering and moody. He does not agree with any restrictions, argues with the elders and flatly refuses to obey. He continually drives us into a dead end with his questions and discussions about the prohibitions: he insists that they explain to him why he is being deprived of this or that pleasure. He manages to achieve his goal not by washing, but by skating: exhausting us with his dictatorial manners, and if we do not give up, he becomes aggressive: he fights, bites, breaks things and toys, calls his name. We did not teach him to fight - where did he get this from? Acting on science, we show him an example of polite and respectful treatment of people, try not to apply physical methods of influence, shouts, humiliating his words to him, although sometimes we can’t stand it, especially when he fights with us: we put him in a corner, stop talking to him , depriving the cartoon, scolding, but none of these methods have not justified itself. Looking at the fruits of our upbringing, we understand that we are at an impasse. Maybe, having seen our situation from the side, you will tell what is the matter. Maybe you should spit on smart books and ask Roma a real bashing? How to teach him to be more decisive with peers? Roman will soon be in school, and it seems to us that if we do not urgently correct the situation, then the situation will get out of control. "They will offend him at school, and he will tear off his anger at us." Tatyana Ch., Yekaterinburg
No wonder Tatiana’s story begins with Roma’s childhood diseases. Quite often, a child’s illness disturbs parents so much that they become less demanding and severe. It is more difficult for them to deny the baby a cartoon or candy, because they sympathize with the suffering of the child. Pity, even if unconscious, does a great harm to the child. He accurately recognizes the signs of parental sympathy and begins to manipulate the elders. The more compliant the parents, the more demanding the child. The role of the elders is to outline the exact boundaries of what is permitted and help the child cope with frustration and anger when he seeks to cross the line, and his parents do not allow him to do so. Obviously, Roma was used to expand the boundaries of what was permitted with the help of tears, persuasion, requests, "not by washing, so by skating." Experience tells him that if one is more persistent, more impudent, more persistent, the elders will certainly give way to another sweetie, another cartoon. Physical aggression is not the last weapon in the arsenal of a child. For the first time, he hits his mother in the face at about 6-7 months of age, and this is not yet a gesture of aggression - the crumbs simply wave their hands. But even at this age, it is useful for the child to hear: “It’s unpleasant for me”, to see my mother’s face without a smile and to feel how my mother’s hand takes his pen away from her face. Already a one-year-old child, my mother warns: "Do not do this, otherwise I will not hold you in my arms." If the child hits his mother again, she calmly lowers him to the floor and “loses interest in him” for the next few minutes. If a child sees that aggression does not bring any results, then pretty soon he will refuse it and by the age of three aggressive behavior will become an extremely rare manifestation of children's discontent or anger. In the case of Roman, parents from the very beginning did not teach the boy to restrain the gestures of aggression, because he was a sick and nervous child. As soon as he was a little older and stronger, his parents began to punish him for a fight. Each time, using his fists, the boy realized that he would be punished. But how? His family's methods include silence, angle, elevated notation, and deprivation of pleasure. What determines the choice of punishment? Which of them is the correct answer to aggression? A specific misconduct must have the same consequences. If a 6-year-old child hit his mother or a playmate, it is best to take him to a calm place for 6 minutes and insist that he sit there, calm down and think about how you should not hurt others, and about how another way could resolve the conflict. If all the elders agree to punish Roma for the assault by the same method, then in a month or two he will stop hitting the house. His tantrums should be ignored, and endless questions should be stopped with calm and strict words: “A cartoon - after a day’s sleep, because any person needs a healthy schedule of the day”, “Washing your hands before eating is necessary, because you must grow healthy and strong”, “В we don’t go to the park now, because you haven’t gathered toys for you yet. If you finish your cleaning, then let's go. ” And you should not enter into discussions about this. The child knows very well what he wants to achieve with his endless questions and disputes: to lift the ban, to delay an unpleasant lesson or to evade the task. Do not leave him such loopholes - and he will quickly cease to feel you, annoyed, tyranny of others. Then you will see: you were right that you did not beat Roma, firmness and severity are manifested in another: in the ability to methodically insist on compliance with the basic rules, in the ability to praise for constructive behavior, to cheer and guide the child. Another important skill is not to let go of disgusting acts and not to pass in front of the child. With peers, Roman is timid and indecisive. From what? Friends of Romina did not agree to give in to his demands and showed that they are physically healthier and more socially fit than Roma. So they indicated to him the place of the slave in their group. Judging by your stories, the boy did not go to kindergarten, for him social contacts with children under the supervision of an experienced teacher could become an indispensable training ground for effective communication with peers. If you learn to stop the son’s despotic and rude behavior, then, in turn, teach him to firmly and skillfully resist offenders from among his peers. Roma will certainly learn to firmly say to them: "Do not do it to me unpleasantly, otherwise I will not play with you." He will learn to fight back with the words: “I have not finished playing with this machine. Wait please". In a word, when you learn to cope with Romina’s aggression, you can certainly equip your son with this skill! General hardening and exercise will help the boy feel stronger and more agile. He will have less and less to defend his innocence, using his fists. Classmates will quickly understand: Roma is trying not to fight, but to solve all problems "in an adult way," in words. But, if necessary, he will be able to stand up for himself. Sports, team games - a great addition to the harmonious education of every child. And further. Is your child a chameleon? But here there are pluses! This means that he is able to adapt to rapidly changing conditions, and this is necessary for survival and success in life. It is only necessary to provide Roma with the right skills to communicate effectively with peers and elders.
If the child is fighting with peers
1 Try to understand the cause of aggression, perhaps the child does not have enough love and your attention and he takes out the grudge on his peers.
2 Establish simple rules of conduct: “In our family, all issues are resolved peacefully. We never fight. "
3 Choose with your child the best “recipe” to curb his aggression. You can stomp your feet, shout, beat the pillow, punch the wall.
4 Always praise the child when he was ready to throw hand to hand, but restrained himself.
5 A critical word addressed to the brawler, supportive attention to the victim can clearly show the child that he is a loser, that aggressiveness is not in his interests.
6 In no case do not use forceful methods of education - this will only harm the child.