Conflicts with the teacher: 5 solutions
In the minds of a child of primary school age, a teacher is the most important and most important person in the world. The self-esteem of the little student depends on him: if the teacher is dissatisfied, the child sincerely considers himself bad and incapable of anything, and if he praises, he blossoms from the feeling of his own success. What if the relationship with the teacher does not work out? We are looking for solutions.
Causes of conflict
- A tough authoritarian teacher gets a child with a pronounced creative thinking, growing in an atmosphere of emancipation and trust. Such a child is used to expressing his opinion, it is difficult for him to sit in one place and bored to repeat memorized phrases. At the same time, the teacher sees in the student a lack of respect and education, and in general - a threat to his authority.
- A teenager asserts himself in a team by confronting a teacher. For some of the children, this is the easiest way to win the respect of classmates. Especially, such a conflict erupts with a teacher who is unable to cope with his emotions, easily loses his temper.
- The teacher pays a lot of attention to accuracy, appearance, design of notebooks and diaries, and the child is not yet able to meet these requirements. As a rule, such conflicts more often occur in primary school, but from time to time "creep" into the secondary.
- In the lessons, the child is bored due to the teacher’s low qualifications or, conversely, the child’s high level of training. Such a child begins to comment aloud, criticize the teacher. If the latter cannot correctly react emotionally, the confrontation begins.
By and large, only adults are to blame: on the one hand, teachers who often do not have sufficient ability and desire to understand the essence of a child’s behavior, and on the other hand, parents who rarely try to figure out the true sources of problems.
Anxiety Symptoms and Signs of Serious Problems
Tensions with a teacher are a very traumatic situation, not only in elementary school, but also in secondary, and even in senior. A child who enters into conflict alone cannot withstand such psychological stress and can “give out” any reaction: from a loss of interest in learning and rebellion against all adults to protracted depression, illness, and even suicidal attempts. Therefore, the conflict must not be allowed to go far.
Andrey, dad of 13-year-old Alexei:
“Lesha suddenly began to lose weight. At first, we kind of rejoiced, because we had it chubby since childhood, and then we realized: something was not right. In the evenings, he sat in his room, did something on the computer, stopped talking with friends. He began to talk less with us, he didn’t laugh as before. We attributed everything to the approaching transitional age. And then, having conversed with the mother of his classmate, they suddenly found out about the conflict, which has long existed, for several months, between Leshka and the physical education teacher. The boy skipped a couple of classes, the teacher ridiculed him at all - and off we go ... As a result, we had to turn to psychologists, our son had insomnia, and he refused to go to school at all ... And in the middle of the year we transferred him to another school, away from stressful situation. "
Signs of serious problems at school:
- A sharp change in behavior. For example, an active and cheerful child suddenly becomes withdrawn and silent, and affectionate - begins to be terribly rude.
- Inadequate reactions to familiar words and actions. A child can pull his head into his shoulders in response to an appeal to him, be frightened by a phone call or an alarm clock, block himself, as if defending himself from blows, when trying to touch him
- Loss of interest in learning, reluctance to attend school, refusal to do homework, while lowering self-esteem: "I do not have the ability to mathematics" or "I am not going to be a programmer."
- When asked about a subject or teacher, it changes in person, becomes rude and aggressive, refuses to tell anything.
- Records of bad behavior in the lesson are made most often by the same teacher.
Boys VS. Girls
Causes of conflict
Senior boys are much more active in “fighting” with teachers, but they also get more from teachers. Boys more often have conflicts due to behavior at school (18.9% - boys, 11.3% - girls), missed classes and delays (19.8% - boys, 15.7% - girls), smoking (9 , 5% are boys, 2.5% are girls). Girls were ahead of their peers in one case - “my appearance: hairstyle, clothes” (5.2% - boys, 6.5% - girls).
What to do and how to solve problems
5 steps to solving problems
The main task of parents is not just ridding their son or daughter of problems, but helping to gain experience in a civilized resolution of conflicts. And because of what steps you take with the child, his behavior in adulthood depends: in conversations with superiors, with restless neighbors, with his spouse.
Step 1: Listen to the baby
Do not bother your child to express their emotions. First, say that you are in the know: “It seems to me that you and Maria Ivanovna are in conflict,” and then clearly define the task: “I want to know what you think about it.” Try to restrain yourself and not jerk: "Don't you dare say that about an adult!" or evaluate: "The teacher is right, but you are not." If it’s hard for a child to express his feelings (which often happens with junior high school students), try to help him with the wording: “It seems unfair to you”, “It offends you”, “Are you afraid”. When the child understands that this conversation was not started in order to blame him, he will be frank. He will understand that you are on his side, that you support him. But another extreme is no less harmful - when scolding a teacher: “Yes, she herself does not understand anything!” Thus, you demonstrate that in case of conflict you can always hide behind the back of an adult.
Step 2: Start a discussion
Do not impose your opinion and give estimates. Your task is to analyze the situation together with the child, to see it from different angles. Ask calmly: “When did you first feel that she did not like you?” Put forward the versions: "Maybe it annoys her that you find it hard to stay silent for a long time?" Develop a plan for further action.
Step 3: Talk with the Educator
Only come to school after discussing this with your child. If he asks you not to advertise your visit, follow his request and come back after class. In the conversation with the teacher, the rules are the same: you need to try to maintain neutrality. Do not blame, not justify your own child, but just listen to the point of view of the second side. Let the teacher talk about how he feels, how he sees the causes of the conflict.
Step 4: Talk with the three of you - you, the teacher and the child.
This is good already because the conflict is not hushed up and the parties can express everything they think about. But this happens already after the most emotional part has been spilled out before, in a conversation with you. In this conversation, the main thing again should not be criticism or recriminations, but the search for a way out. Work as an intermediary - collect offers and work out compromise solutions.
Step 5: Make a Decision
If the first three steps have not yielded results and the conflict erupts with the same strength, then the time comes to act. In the event that the teacher is obviously wrong, do not be afraid to contact the school administration, the department of education. Do not forget: now you are laying the conflict resolution algorithm in his mind, he should see that sometimes you act decisively.
If the conflict has gone too far, consult a child psychologist. Perhaps the only way out of the situation is to change the school and the teacher as soon as possible. And in this case, you do not have to wait and persuade the child: "Well, be patient for another six months, until the school year ends." For a child, especially a junior high school student, this is too long, which can lead to neurosis or aversion to learning for many years.