For six years now I have been dancing. Came by chance.
I waited for the start of classes, called and asked: “Well, when does the new group start to study?” And for some reason they said to me: "At the beginning of November." Well, I imagined: you come there in sports shorts and a T-shirt, as if you were a physical trainer, and you start by tilting left and right, swinging your legs there ... Well, I will exaggerate, of course. But I honestly waited for the beginning. I come, and they all dance there, do the splits, I sat down. And not on the splits.
The first desire was to leave. But due to the nature of my character, I can’t say “this is not for me” until I’m sure that “I can do this”, only then can I say “this is not for me”. The topic “I can do this” has not been disclosed to this day, in fact, for me it has not been important for a long time. But this mark six years ago became a milestone for me - a lot of events and facts are divided into “before” and “after”. Now I’m even afraid to think that I could go to other teachers in groups and would not meet the right guide. Or would she go to drawing, modeling and all that she wanted and want to do, it’s scary in general that she could not discover this side of life, this world outside of me and inside me.
In fairness, I’ll say that I’ve lost quite a lot. Starting from free evenings, ending with internal lack of freedom - I am addicted, in general. And the dance itself, as something spontaneous, an animal of origin, lost. Here's how it used to be: music sounds, you feel and let the soul tell you to dance. FIG. For some reason you start to think, you analyze something suddenly, at some point you feel an inappropriate need for symmetry ...
What an amazing risk this is, akin to a miracle and unhappiness: when you start learning something more or less thoroughly, you lose the amateur’s intuition, that bold lover’s naivety, in which often charm, and revelation, and most of the way to your goals you go, unarmed. And the goal is arbitrary, and under your feet - the stairs of castles in the air, in a word, nothing real: one is gone, the other is not there, and for so many years.
This is both scary and shocking with justice. In fact, the sacrifice of youth for the sake of wisdom.
Offline Life: Elena Kuznetsova is a translator, journalist and editor.
PHOTO: ANASTASIA TIKHONOVA, MASTERFILE / EAST NEWS
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